Shoplifters of the world unite

Elliot and I went into town earlier to buy some sports clothes because he’s started to recently play cricket. This is a massive achievement in itself because he’s not had the confidence to join any clubs outside school until recently.

So we needed to buy four pairs of identical jogging bottoms so that if he has an accident he can get changed and hopefully nobody will notice.

Managed to also almost accidentally shoplift while we were there. Picked up some shin pads and then Elliot urgently needed the toilet but there weren’t any in the shop. Because we’d just popped into town I’d not thought we’d be long and I’d foolishly forgotten to bring any spare clothes. So we had approximately 60 seconds to find a toilet.

I remembered there were some in the shopping centre just outside the sports shop so we ran out towards them.

Then we ran back in because I realised I was still holding the shin pads.

I put them in a sale display just by the door, Elliot went to the toilet, we returned to the shop, picked up the shin pads and carried on looking around. He then urgently needed another wee.

So we ran out again, remembering to drop the shin pads this time, went to the toilet, walked back in and picked up the shin pads. Again.

There were security guards watching us this time but thankfully no more toilet dashes were required. Although if they watch us back on CCTV we probably look decided dodgy.

But better than the last time I forgot to take spare clothes out with us and were a long way from any toilets. Elliot was desperate for a poo and I didn’t even have any bags or wipes or anything with me. In a panic I told him to do it at the side of the road. Felt relieved that we’d managed to avoid him doing it in his pants and having to try to walk home with it creeping down his legs. The relief lasted all of ten seconds until I realised there was no way of picking up the poo and you can’t just leave a poo in the gutter. It’s bad enough when dog owners do it, and I’m assuming a human turd is even more frowned upon.

So we went straight home and I picked up a plastic bag and drove back to the Site of the Shite. Stopped the car, got out, rescued the poo, and quickly drove home. If there was any CCTV around there they’ll definitely think I’m a complete lunatic with some kind of weird poo fetish.


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